Reality Machines

I’ve recently returned from an offshore sailing certification course as a way to immerse myself into the ins and outs of sailing. After seven days learning about sailing and living aboard, I’ve come away with a new perspective on life and surviving hard realities. First, it is important to know how things are made. As sailboats are powered by wind, they are built to be very sensitive and responsive to it. Second, sailboats are efficient in the use of space. Everything on a sailboat has its place and must be able to be secured or it gets thrown about when underway, so there is careful consideration for the purpose of the stuff brought onto and kept on the boat. Third, the environment in which a sailboat lives is extremely harsh. Good owners are aware of the environments effects on performance, understand the areas with the most stress, and pay careful attention to the slightest changes by conducting thorough maintenance. Lastly, sailboats are reality machines.

Everything about the operation of a sailboat is focused on understanding reality, finding harmony with reality, and surviving the hard realities. To understand reality you have to know what is happening now, from the flow of the currents, the level of the tides (rising or falling), surrounding land, other boats, water depth, weather, wind speed and direction. Once you understand reality now, you can then seek to find harmony, depending upon where you want to go. To get from point A to point B in a sailboat is never a straight line, so you have to find a way to fit together your desire with reality. For example, if you only focus on wind direction and set your course, the currents will push you off course, or the three-foot drop in tide may run you aground. Even under the best of circumstances, when we understand and are aware of our reality and in harmony with it, we are faced with hard realities. A low front moves in bringing 10 foot swells, 30 mph gusts, fog, someone falls overboard, you lose steering, a leak in the boat, etc.

Sailing and Life:  Enjoy the Ride

These are hard realities, and our ability to survive them depends upon understanding how we are made (our limits and capabilities), our attachment to the stuff we bring into and keep in our life, understanding the effects of environment on our sensitivities, the level of care and maintenance we give to our stress points, and the things we pay attention to that define our reality now. Most importantly, accepting that the destination make take more time, more effort, or may need to change entirely, allows us the freedom to focus on the journey, seeking harmony with reality and enjoying the ride.

Questions to help you survive the hard realities and enjoy the ride:

How are you made and what are you sensitive to?

How much consideration do you give to the use and efficiency of the stuff you carry in your life?

How is the environment in which you live?

Do you understand the effects of the environment in creating stress while paying attention to your maintenance?

How much do you know and understand about your current reality now?

Do you seek to fit together with your reality and enjoy the journey or focus on the destination?

Are you focused on reaching the destination on time, without effort, and without flexibility to change it?  If yes, go sailing.

Letting Go of Expectations

Up until recently, I have held high expectations of people in my life.  The closer my perceived relationship, the higher my expectations.  Therefore, with my family, my spouse, co-workers, and even friends, I expected them to think and act like I would in similar situations.  What I have learned is that my expectations get in the way of enjoying the people I'm with, because I am expecting.  I am looking into the future with my expectations of their actions, which leaves a lot of room for disappointment, and surprise when these unrealistic expectations are not met. Rarely would anybody reach my level of expectation, so I would hold onto that disappointment, yet still expect a different outcome the next time.   Einstein defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."  I am not proud of who I was, as I brought to each conversation the disappointment of the past and high expectations of the future, ultimately cutting off my ability I to have loving relationships.  It has taken major events with people I love to help me realize my insanity.

Today, as I let go of expectations, I let go of looking to the future, which has opened up my ability to enjoy the unique moments that are happening in front of me.  As I enjoy the present, I am better able to understand the person with empathy, sympathy, an open heart, and an open mind.  I am wholly present in the moment, paying attention to the person, with the intention of opening myself to a loving relationship.  I am no longer tied to the disappointment of the past and an unrealistic future.

Gratitude

It was devastating being hurt by the ones I love, but the hurt was necessary to recognize my insanity, and to gain the understanding that I needed to let go of my expectations.  With extreme gratitude, I am grateful to these people in my life.  I am thankful for the unique moments happening now, and realize my relationships will never the be the way they were before.  I am appreciative of all the people in my life who make me a better person, who challenge my perceptions of reality, and encourage me to grow.  Thank you.

As today is Thanksgiving Eve here in the States, I ask you take a moment to reflect on the expectations that are holding you back from expressing authentic gratitude to the people that are gracious enough to be in your life.  Tomorrow, with your new freedom, enjoy the uniqueness offered by each moment.

Perspective is Everything

What is a family business?

How does a family know if they have a family business? I attended a conference a couple of weeks ago and listened to a third generation member of a family in which his grandfather’s business invented the Coca-Cola glass bottle. Without family input, his father sold the business and distributed the wealth to the family. Afterwards, the family decided to pool their wealth and began doing charitable work, as well as investing in other ventures. The family considers themselves a family business. What about the Walton family? I wonder if the family members of Sam Walton consider themselves a family business. In family and family business, perspective is everything.

Is this a Family Business?

I look back on my 16 years as President of a business that was owned by my parents, and realize that my perspective established my mindset by which I made decisions. To establish my perspective I asked myself the question, is this a family business? I did this frequently, but there were three crucial moments in which the answer to this question was a turning point for me, the family, and the business. The first time was at the dinner table when my parents asked me to come work for them. They stated they could use the help, and then my dad clarified that your mom you could use the help. After accepting the offer, I asked myself, is this a family business? I answered yes. To me, this meant I would do things that were best for the family. The second time came after I was President of the business for 9 years and my dad told me that he had offered my younger brother a job in the company, without my input. I asked again, is this a family business? I answered yes, accepted my brother willingly, and treated him as a family owner and leader of the business. The third time happened during my last year as President while dealing with a buyout offer by a competitor. During this period, there was more talk of individual family members needs and wants than the family business needs, so I asked the question, is this a family business? My answer was no. My perspective had changed from the day I first asked the question, is this a family business? Of course, there would have been numerous other factors at play to reach this answer, but it was the first time I could not say yes, this is a family business.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs the strained relationship with my family. I am working to accept responsibility, increase my vulnerability, and be accountable to try to improve.   Now, I ask new questions, is this a family? What do I need to do to be a healthy family member?

Which do you practice? Which is prevalent in your business?

Warren Buffet on Integrity

Warren Buffett was quoted saying he looks for three things in people: integrity, intelligence and a high energy level. But, he said if you don’t have integrity, the other two will kill you. Warren Buffett understands integrity, the internal consistency to act within your values, allowing no gap between intention and behavior. He has proven time-after-time the power of integrity, for instance his $5 billion dollar preferred stock purchase in Bank of America. He was able to strike this deal within twenty-four hours. He purchased McLane Distribution from Wal-Mart on a handshake. What I have learned over time is that to have integrity requires the belief in something, this belief must be shared, and actions must be in alignment. Without the sharing of values, there is nothing for people to base your actions on, except their own interpretations.

Mafia and the Catholic Church

Just because you have integrity doesn’t mean you are moral or ethical. For instance, the mafia acts consistently in alignment with their values and intention, yet most of society considers them unethical. The Catholic Church is perceived as moral by most of society, yet struggles with hypocrisy. Hypocrisy being the opposite of integrity, the state of proclaiming a belief that one does not actually have. My career has been spent in my family’s business and working with family businesses that have Mafia like integrity, yet marred by Catholic like hypocrisy. A religious family proclaiming religious values while operating a business in alignment with those values, seems to be a herculean feat for many family businesses, especially for the next generation entering the business.

The Family Business

I was raised in a religious household, and I ran my family’s business for 16 years. The perceived hypocrisy was noticeable when I first joined the business, and it was a shock to my preconceived notions based upon being raised in a religious culture. We did not communicate what our values were, and our lack of shared values impaired and continues to hinder my family. Today, my weak relationship with my parents and brother is due primarily to a perceived lack of integrity, and perceived lack of clarity around the values of the business. We assumed everybody shared the same values, because we grew up together. Unfortunately, we failed to have the hard discussions to bring these assumptions into reality, leaving each value to the interpretation of the family member. I consider this my biggest failure, because the lack of clarity around shared values continues to hinder the family in making decisions for the business. As the decisions become tougher, there is no common foundation by which the family is able to make the hard decisions, thereby diluting trust among family and employees, depleting necessary energy, and exposing the business to failure, and most detrimental, the deterioration of the family. Family businesses can reverse this destructive course by having the hard discussions, and bringing clarity to the family business values, and understanding how the family should act in accordance with these values. The result is a Warren Buffett like family business, one that has integrity, intelligence, and a high energy level.